Suffering With Joy

Growing Up Accountable

February 14, 2012

The best Valentine I ever got was from God.  Life and grace excluded, it was my parents and my brothers and sisters. Every now and then, maybe way too often, something happens out of the ordinary that goes viral on the internet and reminds me of how terrifically blessed I was in my family.  Last week it was the story of the daughter who posted a vile, disrespectful, whiny, Poor Pitiful Princess-with-mean-parents post to Facebook thinking mom and dad wouldn’t see it, and the father who shot her laptop on camera to get his point across.

I’m not going to judge the parent because I don’t know the back story and it’s not my place to do so.  Certainly if he told the truth on camera the little miss had been up to this before, had been grounded and privileges withdrawn, only to be back at it again.  It got me thinking about how I was raised.  Internet or no internet, back in the 50s no child in our family would have ever even thought of such a diatribe against our parents let alone put it out for the world to see.

The Broken Window

My far less than angelic behavior as a kid was definitely a cause of frustration to Mom and Dad.  In particular I had a nasty hair-trigger temper and was easily goaded by my nearest brother who was expert in pushing my buttons.

One day when I was 10 and he was 9, we arrived home from school together and he was tormenting me as usual.  Why I so stupidly rose to the bait all those years I don’t know, but that day, as we came into the house through the kitchen garage door I had had enough.  After a final smart-aleck remark shot in my direction, on pure impulse I threw open the refrigerator door, grabbed a head of lettuce and heaved it at him.

We still disagree today whether it was lettuce or cabbage, but for sure it was round and green and sailed through the air with a mean speed.  Unlike the Three Stooges though, he ducked and the head crashed against the blinds breaking the kitchen window.  Well. I was even madder because he ducked and I didn’t have the satisfaction of a strike. I was scared, too, because I hadn’t anticipated his ducking and the window breaking.

Mom wisely decided to let Dad handle the situation when he got home from work that day.  Then another unintended consequence occurred. We were sure we’d get a spanking and be yelled at, but no such thing.  It was just, “Hand over the money.”  Mom and Dad decided the best lesson would be for us to split the cost of the repair 50-50.  So my brother and I each coughed up $2.50 (this was 1955 and that was a lot of money in those days).

Why the Punishment Hurt

To put the punishment in proper perspective, at that time I earned 50 cents a week allowance and my brother 40 cents for doing chores.  I had to set the table, wash the dishes, sweep the floor, and watch my younger brothers and sisters when Mom was busy or she and Dad went to the grocery store.  I also changed diapers and fed the baby while Mom fixed dinner, and probably a few other things I don’t remember now.  My brother had chores like drying the dishes, taking out the trash, and helping with the vacuuming.  We both had to keep our rooms cleaned and put dirty clothes in the hamper.  There was no back-talking to Mom or Dad at any time, no complaining, and no grumping no matter how we felt.  It was called “honoring thy father and thy mother.”

Mom and Dad set us up with a budget when they started giving us an allowance.  There was one envelope for the church which contained 10% of what we earned.  Another was the gift fund for presents we would buy for birthdays, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day and other such days.  Another each was for spending money, school supplies, and savings.  The $2.50 penalty amounted to five weeks of total earnings right out that broken window.  And it all came out of the spending money envelope. That was our discretionary money. That hurt.

From that incident I learned all of the following:

• Never throw anything at anybody ever
• Actions have consequences and some of them may be very unpleasant
• Think ahead to the implications of what you’re doing and the possible outcomes
• Arguing and fighting is a waste of time because you never get what you want that way (to win), and it could cost a lot of money in the long run
• Television is for fun, not for real life (Slapstick is for show)
• Punishments Mom and Dad can figure out for you are a lot worse than you can imagine

Most parents with teens are familiar with the Poor Pitiful Princess syndrome if they have girls.  I got accused, and rightfully so, of indulging in acting put upon or sulking from time to time.  This girl, however, seems to have been given everything all her life with little asked.  That’s a parenting fault.  Moreover, what kind of friends does she hang out with at 15 years of age who use the kind of language she used?  Another parenting fault – failure to monitor the kinds of friends a child has, or worse, accepting what the world says is normal as acceptable, along with the potty mouth business.

Responsibility with accountability has to start young.  Waiting until a kid is 15 means having to play catch-up with what should have been ingrained from a young age.  The best outcome from the incident as far as father and daughter are concerned is that a meaningful conversation occurred between the two of them concerning respectful behavior, responsibility, expectations and outcomes.  Perhaps more parents, as a result of this highly publicized incident, will take time to sit down with their kids and discuss the same.

Kids have to understand the sometimes tough love is the best love.  I’m very grateful to my parents for their tough love.

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V. Praised be Jesus Christ!

R. Now and forever!

(Click on the link above to read why I end my posts this way.)

Tags: family life, parenting

7 Comments to Growing Up Accountable

1. 

   What a great story, a great lesson – and so familiar.
   When you look for the kind united communities we used to live in you found accountability around every corner. Not so kind these days and accountability is no where to be found.
   Thanks!
Lynn Baber on February 15th, 2012
2. 

   That’s right, Lynn. It was a time when the Judeo-Christian values in our society were lived more often than not.
barb on February 15th, 2012
3. 

   Your story is very similar to the way my parents disciplined us. It was difficult then, of course, but I am grateful today and trying to do the same with Andrew.

   Unfortunately, with all the potty-mouth, hang-it-all-out reality shows, it’s not surprising we are raising disrespectful, potty-mouth kids.
   Carol@simple_catholic recently posted..7 Sundays Devotion to St. Joseph Week Three
Carol@simple_catholic on February 19th, 2012
4. 

   Your parents were truly wise.
   Colleen recently posted..Setting Captives Free
Colleen on February 19th, 2012
5. 

   Yes, and thank God for them because I could have ended up very differently had they not taught us self-control and self-discipline, and honesty.
barb on February 19th, 2012
6. 

   I used to hit things. I would go pound the wall next to my window when I was mad. And one day the drywall had had enough and I went right through it, into the outside wall. My parents took TV away from me for all of Lent–the only grounding I ever received–and made me fix it. I was just relieved I wasn’t getting spanked, but it did hurt to have to give up the yearly watching of “The Sound of Music.” Obviously it stuck with me.
   Kathleen Basi recently posted..Sunday Snippets
Kathleen Basi on February 19th, 2012
7. 

   Kathleen, great story. I can identify.
barb on February 19th, 2012

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